Where in the World is Matt Lauer?

Bromance on the Rocks

Saturday, December 5, 2009. Matt Lauer is a hero of mine. A few years ago, when Tom Cruise went on his rant against prescription drugs and knocked Brooke Shields around, Matt pressed harder. He pushed buttons to the point the famed actor needed an extensive Purification Rundown.

Matt is always calm under pressure and great at one-line zingers. He’s a team player and roots for his co-hosts, Meredith, Al and Ann. Matt reserves a special place for Al; they often finish each other’s sentences. The Today Show gang exudes more chumminess than their competing counterparts. Their chemistry, while strong, emits little, if any, CO2. I’m certain they gather on sunny weekends for family BBQs, Matt schooling everyone in badminton and Ann reminding all to recycle their potato chip bags.

I’ve followed the rise of Matt, beginning from the days when he held Ann’s job and read the tiny news segments for Bryant and Katie. He had a fuller, darker head of hair but the same gleam in his eye. He was going places.

When Bryant left amid rumors of disenfranchisement, a love affair with Prince, and hatred of cheese, Matt was a shoo-in for his spot. Katie was challenging, often hovering in the background when Matt nervously interviewed important guests. He got better and stood his ground. The way she would dig her stiletto into the set’s carpet, pointing her toe to the ceiling, would have driven any red-blooded American man nuts, but he kept silent. He never complained. Matt has the magic power to get along with anyone.

He weathered Hurricane Katie and later cautiously welcomed a calmer Meredith.

Matt and I have a lot in common. For instance, he married a Dutch model, Annette Roque, in the 90s. I too, got married in the 90s!

Matt almost finished his communications degree from Ohio University in 1979 but left four credits shy for a killer internship. Had I been there at college with him,  I would have at least encouraged a night class. Albeit, the scenario is totally impossible unless I was a super-freak eight year-old genius and he didn’t mind hanging out with me. After years of personal nagging and despite his success on the Today Show, he did go back and finish up in 1997 and later returned as a commencement speaker reminding all to finish strong “…or you’ll end up a bum, like me!”

Matt likes to ride a bike to keep thin. We could be bike buddies. It wouldn’t anger me if he drafted for long stretches. Had I joined him that fateful summer day he rammed a deer, it would have been me. Instead, he had surgery and several weeks of R&R. He was recently wearing a sling on the show.

So because of the fondness and respect I have for Matt, I can’t help but wonder WHAT IS UP??!!???

In the past several days, the Today Show and other major network programs have tirelessly reported on the growing Tiger scandal. ACORN indiscretions are busting wide all over the country thanks to that young filmmaker and his hot friend playing the prostitute. The Today Show reported it once (that I witnessed) in a short news segment.

When that off-shoot government task force released new guidelines about womens’ various testing procedures the outrage was palpable. Olivia Newton-John wanted to get physical. What caught me off guard was the Today Show’s Chief Medical Editor, Dr. Nancy Snyderman, carefully and unemotionally backing these initial guidelines. See if Olivia ever does Xanadu on  a Today Show summer concert series now.

Another recent, brewing embarrassment is all those emails hacked and released from professors that are part of the Climate Research Unit (CRU) at the University of East Anglia in England. Al Gore uses CRU as his global warming measuring stick, and amid rows of emails trading favorite cottage pie recipes are threads that start with “HOLY CRAP, How do we skew this???” And, “Pretend the earth has only been around since 1981.”

Today Show has yet to say a thing about this.

While Comedy Central (thanks, Jon Stewart) and Fox News continue to shed light, CBS and ABC are nearly silent. NBC is quiet as a Prius, with barely a mention. Ironically, these emails came to light during that NBC’s Green Week.

Let the truth be known, Matt!

For the love of Edward R. Murrow, Matt, shake your producers by their shoulders, slap each of them in the face and yell “WAKE UP!” If a little saliva lands on their faces, it only adds to the dramatics. Do it for the credibility of your network.

I like Matt so much I feel he’s just waiting for his moment to blow the whistle. When the makeup artists are powdering his face in the morning, he’s calculating, scheming, and planning the right moment for the surprise, defiant public announcement. It will land him in hot water and definitely end his career there. Be bold, Matt. We love and support you. You’ve invested the $12 million a year well. You can afford the protection.

The following conversation may have already occurred in between commercials on Friday’s broadcast:

Matt: “Psssst, Al, I can’t take it anymore.”

Al: “Can’t take what?”

Matt: “You know what we discussed over a bagel. What the hell are we doing here?”

Al: “Doing news, Matt, doing news. You need to drop it. It’s too risky. This is way above our pay grades. This goes beyond Rockefeller, man, it’s everywhere. It’s NBC, it’s Microsoft, it’s freakin’ Valerie Jarrett!”

Matt: “I’m not an idiot, Al. Look who I’m talking to, Mr. Sunshiney Weatherguy. Your job is to tell me what life is like in my neck of the woods. You don’t know squat! [Voice quivering.] I must set the truth free [pause]… Sorry for that, the stress has left me sleepless for weeks. With our crazy schedules I can’t take Ambien. I need to close my eyes at night, Al, but the drug would inhibit me. I need to be composed by five!  What am I supposed to do?”

Al: “Zip it. Meredith is back from the potty, we’re back on the air in seconds.”

Matt: “But…”

Al: “Zipppp.”

Matt: “I, ah…”

Al “Hammbidddydubbbb…”

Matt: “We–”

Al “…zhoodeeeedoooo!!”

Matt: “OK!!”

Producer: “Back on the air in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…”

Matt: [Reading cues.] “Next on our show we have a guest who claims to make a special connection with that other important member of your family: Fido. Welcome Cesar Millan…”

–JK